Change, day to day, seems almost imperceptible most times. At others, it's cataclysmic and violent, welcome or not.
But years, taken as a whole, offer the opportunity to see that things have, indeed, changed.
The older you get, the harder it is to get through an entire year without losing someone important. Each one, while you move on, still leaves a mark on your heart forever. I think the reason so many elderly people do not fear death is partly because the cumulative effect of all these marks becomes simply too tiring. I see them building up in my own life, and realize that even though new ones are added, that doesn't make missing the people associated with old grieving any easier.
People who aren't "pet" people never understand how the life of a dog or cat can affect you. Lucy was that dog for me, over 16 years ago, when I found her wandering in the woods near my ex's home in Cohasset. While she was an enormous pain in the butt as a puppy, she brought a sense of purpose to my life that I hadn't had up to that point. She paved the way for my children in that by the time they were born, the fact that someone could ruin your stuff and you could still love them just the same was second-nature. She had been around for so much of my life that me without her has felt very strange these last few months.
A little over a week ago a dear human friend passed away after 10 years of dealing with prostate cancer. This person gave for the joy of giving, without a laundry list of things expected in return as payment. He adored pop culture and would fill my mailbox with whimsical things like Nunzilla (a nun who shoots sparks from her mouth as she waddles across your desk--Catholic humor), a Ben Roethleisberger bobble head, a card for every occasion, stickers for the kids, and more. He made getting the mail a joy, even in the midst of financial strain. I looked forward to the mail, it was an adventure! Now, the mail seems a bit sad again.
Of course, as people exit your life, others enter, same with pets. Grief Recovery Dog is no Lucy, but he's a good boy, funny-looking (a shot of terrier actually gives him a stiff mowhawk), and I love him. He has helped, I have to admit.
Another year in Astoria has seen some friendships vanish, but others solidify and deepen. We're not the family you want to know if you like order, convention and the predictable, so understandably we were too much for some--we always are! But, as always, we are left with a group of fun, whimsical, giving, often sarcastic but always good people. After nearly three years here, we have people we can count on, and who know they can count on us, and that's a good feeling. One needs that sense of give-and-take, of community, on some scale. And while we're hardly conformists, we can say we contribute to our little town, and that it gives back.
The children. Where do I start? Eldest has moved up another grade this month, and Princess has finally started to get on board with the whole schoolwork concept. Eldest, regretting her decision to cut off her long hair, has grown much of it back. All of them continue to enjoy dance. Princess has become a real thinker, but funny. We have moved past the stage of pure frustration and head-butting and on to a wonderful time where her life philosophies are amazing, hysterical and wise, all in a five-minute span. Youngest has broken his teeth, had them repaired, has begun constructing sentences, loves to help cook and wants to learn his letters so badly. All are healthy, smart, and kids to be proud of. There have been numerous arguments amongst themselves, all of which have been solved, most without bloodshed, so I think they've learned and progressed. As far as the kids have been concerned, this has been the year of playing outside with a passel of neighborhood kids during the summer. Of chalk drawings, Neopets, Webkinz, and the Wii, of scooters and bikes, lemonade stands and gardening.
Slave Hubby has continued to endure me with patience (or is that just resignation?). This year, he managed to redo the staircase in an actual Craftsman style. He also finished my master suite, which I love, is huge, yet cozy. He painted the front of the house, traded in my old van, and cooked a lot of great meals. We kept the washing machine and oven limping along for another year, though the microwave gave up the ghost. He works hard at a pretty thankless job that would pay six times as much in a big city because he likes coming home for lunch and teasing his kids. Can't ask for much more than that.
And me? Well, according to my doctor's scale, I am 8 pounds heavier, and this with going to the gym three times a week! NO, it is not all muscle. Frankly, much of it were those Girl Scout Cookies last February and hitting 40. Time to adjust! Again! So, I want to work on that. I have fought valiantly against dirt that wants to take over my house, but have taken time for other things and have let go of that a bit, but not too much. I have been a chauffeur, a nurse, a teacher and housekeeper. My new year's resolutions last year included the goal of finishing this massive stitching that I started when Princess was an infant, and I have to say, I am really close. I did tons of work on it and though it won't be finished in time for New Year's, unless there's some really good TV on the next few nights, it will be soon afterwards. I managed to get through about three books, wrote this thing, got a couple of part-time jobs in everything from child care to data entry to selling stuff in Craigslist, so I've been busy.
Personally, I finally have a sense of peace with regards to my relationship with my parents. They are who they are, I am who I am. It's gratifying for me to know that I love them and they love me. I have finally let go of all the grudges of the past, and that is a very freeing thing. I have also realized that a relationship with my birth father and his family is not realistic. We tried, it's been a question mark for some time, and I am here if they want to contact me, but they are moving their own direction, I mine. When I saw a photo of the woman who abused and help murder my birth father's 2 year old sister, holding the babies of my younger siblings on Christmas Eve, I realized that I could never place my own children in her lap, the basic conflict that represents, and that it's just best to let it go.
What do I want to accomplish next year? Now that Little Man is 2 1/2, it's once again time to start focusing more attention back onto Slave Hubby. Poor guy. If he were a houseplant, he'd be half-dead in the corner by now. I also want to do much of what I wanted last year. I want to get to know my new metabolism and attempt to use it to actually shrink instead of grow, to continue to work out regardless, to do some more reading, stitching, scrapbooking and to spend more time on the beach (easier now that the new car is a 4WD!). To try to be more frugal, to earn as much money outside of home schooling hours as I can, and to try to be a more positive, peaceful person. We'll see, and more than likely I'll be back here next year, letting you know how I did.
How did you do?
